Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato? Nom!

Ever wondered how to make a BLT? I haven't. Because I already know how to make a fucking awesome BLT. I just did, and took the photos to prove it. But maybe you're the sorry sort of asshat who has never thought that the perfect BLT was something attainable in the comfort of your own home. So I'm going to share with you my BLT adventure, whether or not you like it. Maybe you'll learn something, maybe not.

The first step in building an epic BLT is choosing the right ingredients! Only the best for my BLT. Thickly sliced smoked bacon goes into my pan. That's right bitch, 6 slices. And don't buy the cheapest package of bacon you can find. That's a recipe for FAIL. There's a reason that package of bacon only costs $1.29. It's shitty bacon, that's why. Don't fucking buy it. Get something that looks manly. It must be very thick and smoked, and optionally peppered.

Figure 1: Bacon.

While that's cooking, it's time for lettuce and tomatoes. Get some good ripe tomatoes. And fuck some iceberg lettuce. At the least get some green leaf lettuce. Or maybe some of that pretentious arugula shit. Slice and dice that shit until it's how you like it. Mine looks like this:

Figure 2: Lettuce and Tomatoes.

The bacon is starting to look pretty awesome now. Time for some bacon porn.

Figure 3: It's starting to look awesome.

Figure 4: OMG it's almost done!

Figure 5: Holy fuck, it's fucking bacon.

See how that bacon is almost black? That's the way it's supposed to be. First of all, I like it slightly burnt. If you've got a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself. Also, if your bacon is all floppy and greasy looking, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Make sure you fucking cook that shit all the way. I can't stand floppy bacon. It makes me want to vomit. And I wouldn't like that. Neither would you, because there would be a picture of it right here. Instead, here's another photo of bacon.

Figure 6: Bacon Bacon Bacon Bacon! It's Bacon!

Now you need some bread. Preferably some sort of pretentious organic free range hormone free sourdough made by hippies with dreadlocks who are stoned out of their minds. Just make sure they're wearing a hair net. Nothing will fuck up your sandwich eating experience more than it falling apart in your hands because you used some shitty store brand bread that is 99.5% air.

Figure 7: Pretentious Organic Hippie Bread.

So I was about to put my sandwich together when I discovered that some asshat threw out the mayo! Or maybe I used it all. Either way, I was pissed. But then I discovered this gem in my fridge which turned out to be even better than mayo. I love caesar salad dressing. It's kinda like ranch, but with extra awesome in the form of parmesan cheese.

Figure 8: Caesar Salad Dressing.

So apply it liberally to one slice of the bread, and put some lettuce then tomato onto the other. Like this.

Figure 9: BLT Assemble!

And finally, put all that fucking bacon directly onto the sandwich. This is pretty much the best part, 'cause it starts looking like a real sandwich.

Figure 10: It looks fucking awesome, doesn't it?

Figure 11: Final Assembly.

Figure 12: Bacon Porn.

Figure 13: More Bacon Porn.

Yeah. Can't really say much after that. Time to jack off... errr... eat. maybe both.